heart of worship

*photo credit

This morning I walked to church from my uncle's house, no more than two blocks away. I had been to this church at least twice before, and when I arrived I was relieved to see a familiar face of someone I'd met from the last time I was there. I was greeted warmly and taken to a seat in the sanctuary, and a sudden, unexpected thrust of emotion came over me as I remembered the last time I stood in that church was for my grandfather's memorial service. Church members were already singing and clapping loudly so I pushed the feelings aside and joined them, straining to read the words and catch the melody of the song. The joy in worship was exuberant and contagious.

Being in Taiwan has opened a different aspect of worship to me that I really only caught a glimpse of before. Maybe I have grown and settled more in who I am and what life has taught me; maybe I have had a few more experiences leading worship myself...or maybe I just have fewer qualms now about attending a service that uses drums, I don't know. But I can say for sure that true, heartfelt worship is not something you can prescribe with words. One cannot say "no backbeats" and expect to be automatically more spiritual than those who play with backbeats. Or even up-strums on the guitar.

There was a time in my short, inexperienced life when I was uncomfortable with a praise team in front of a congregation, and uncomfortable with music playing during prayer or any other kind of spoken word. My main reason for this was that I thought it was very distracting and pulled the attention of the worshiper to the wrong places. I would say that now, I don't believe that is what is the real distraction. I have been to worship services that were perfectly "checkable" (i.e abiding by raw BJU standards), but felt completely dry and prone to wander in my mind. Yet, I have been to other worship services that did have praise teams and animated powerpoint and other multi-sensory experiences, but felt completely overwhelmed and unfocused on Who I was worshiping.

Maybe it's because worshiping in a different language has forced me to focus--as I struggle to recognize characters that I know on the screen and listen for phrases that I understand as others around me sing them, I am fully engaged--I want to know what the words mean; I want to make the connections. But somehow, in a way that I can't explain, I am more easily drawn to make the connections from head to heart as I participate in worship songs in the mothertongue--the language has a deeper, mysterious pull; the melodies more evoking. Perhaps that is why I feel I am more emotional in church when I am here. But "emotional" is not necessarily a bad thing. When we offer ourselves to God, we want to offer everything--head, heart, hands--and that includes our feelings, whether or not we can explain them.

Here in Taiwan I have experienced both sides of the spectrum (although neither of them extreme) in positive ways. I have been moved to tears during a service led by a pianist and two lead singers. I have lifted my hand in praise to the All-Conquering One during a worship session led by a guitarist and his background soundtrack (read: drums recorded). Coming from where I've been, that is one huge step for me.

So I will say this. It's not about what you do, what you say, what instruments you play or how. It's about the heart. Am I fully engaged? Am I wholly desiring to please God and praise Him for the Awesomeness that He is? In leading worship, is my heart pure and transparent enough that this desire can be transmitted to the whole congregation? This is why I believe that leading worship is such a serious, awe-invoking responsibility.
And I deeply appreciate the kinds of leaders (no matter what language they speak) who recognize this and are prepared for it.